By Diana Garber, JD MSW

This article was going to be about sibling rivalry.  Last week, I sketched out my thoughts and multiple times, I sat down at a blank screen trying to write the words.  It didn’t happen.  Frankly, I just wasn’t there emotionally.  And, I can imagine that many of you feel the same way.

I know many are dealing with intense feelings, struggling to manage them while also being a parent.  I know many parents are wrestling with what to say to their children.  Here are my thoughts on how to do both:

1. Your emotions are real. Many of my clients this week have shared feelings of loss akin to losing a loved one or being laid off.  Many have felt unheard, despondent and helpless.  Living in San Francisco, I have noticed these pervasive feelings among neighbors, colleagues and family.  Try to acknowledge these feelings.  Many people are afraid that when they admit a feeling, it will intensify it.  The opposite is actually true.  Giving words to your emotions can lead to a sense of relief because you aren’t ignoring that gnawing feeling and pushing sadness away.

2. Laundry can wait. Many people who experience intense feelings try to jump right back into routine and push the feelings aside.  It is ok to have a quiet weekend–or two.  Grief and depression are a little like a hole in a dam.  If you acknowledge that the feelings are there and deal with the problem, the dam will be just as strong as before.  However, if you ignore the hole, at times, a crack or another hole can form, creating a bigger problem down the road.I know many feel that there is a lot to “do.”  Feeling your emotions and even slowing down your pace for a few days is not contrary to that.  I believe acknowledging feelings allows many to be more connected and eventually make more thoughtful and productive decisions.  So when you do act, it’s thought out and not reactive.

3. Don’t neglect all aspects of your life. Many people struggle with acknowledging negative feelings because they are afraid those feelings will overtake them.  Remember, feeling a certain way is not being a certain way.  Most of the time, acknowledging and leaning into negative feelings for a short while will allow you to re-calibrate to your normal state more quickly.If you notice that you are neglecting your daily life for an extended period and continually feel overwhelmed, please reach out for additional support from friends, family or mental health professionals.

4. Seek out small things that bring you happiness. This weekend my husband and I are pouring hot apple cider into giant mugs and carving pumpkins with our neighbors.  We knew that while we did not want to take on too much this weekend, we needed some event to let go of the heaviness of the week, if just for an hour or so.

5. Focus on family and friends. Seek out people who you feel understand you, who can validate your feelings.  We generally feel stronger when we connect with others.  Spend quiet and quality time with the important people in your life.  The upcoming holidays can be a perfect time to recharge.

Understanding and processing personal emotions can allow parents to clearly express themselves to their children.  Here are some points to consider during those conversations:

1. Explain your feelings to your children. Children from a young age are very perceptive.  They hear snippets of conversation whether it be from the news, other kids or adults.  Most importantly, children are attuned to their parents’ emotional states and can sense feelings of sadness or uncertainty.For that reason, it is important to acknowledge your feelings to your children.  Tell them a little of why you are having this reaction.  Acknowledging that you are having an emotional time teaches children that emotions are real, it is ok for you, and ergo them to have such reactions.

2. Remind your children that they are safe.  Remind them that our basic liberties are secure.  Remind them that your job as a parent is to protect them.

3. This can be a great opportunity to talk about your family values.  Many children, especially school age, have some awareness that the country has chosen a person who has said negative things about certain people or groups.  Their confusion is totally understandable.  Talk to them about what you believe in.  Reiterate that these core values haven’t changed.
4. After the hard conversations, lighten the mood.  Take your children to the park, on a hike, out for ice cream.  Try to help them put this week’s events in context, especially after talking to them about safety and values.

And next month, I’ll share my thoughts on sibling rivalry.